Pacifier Woes

Before I had Josiah I knew I would never give him a pacifier. But then he was born and got a Soothie in the hospital, and I had been gifted a few that I held onto, so why not? He was happier with them, calmed quicker, and they are meant to reduce the risk of SIDS. So I popped it in. And again, and again, and again. He became an addict and we all got in the habit of it. Problem is, he is really good at falling asleep with it and then spitting it out. When he goes through his normal little sleep cycles and starts waking a bit, he wants his pacifier again. Therein lies the problem. It is next to him in his crib, he wants it, but is 4 months old and hasn't learned that skill yet. So...about a zillion times a night, I walk into his room with barely opened eyes and pop that thing back in. He most often calms quickly and sleeps again. Sometimes not so much ,so I bounce him and swaddle and pray he will fall asleep again. That's how we were rolling in the house until 2 nights ago. Yes, we went cold turkey with the pacifiers on him. Poor kid. Didn't know what was coming. It actually does break my heart...I wish I wouldn't have gotten him hooked on them, it's a hard habit to break. It's just not healthy for any of us anymore though. If he were sleeping more soundly and not needing it everytime he wakes up, things would be different. I've tried teaching him where his hands are so he can find them and suck on something there, but it is a process. He has done so well and I know I'll be grateful for it once he is sleeping well. I've been giving him extra cuddles and bought him that stupid "Lovey" to try and make it better. Last night he went 5 hours which was a personal record. Tonight we're going for 6!! He's decided he wanted to go 7-10 hours between feeds, but that awful little pacifier just keeps us all awake. The protest crying has now stopped after 35 minutes, so I guess that means I can breathe again and wipe away my own tears. Phew. This mommy stuff is hard. Sometimes you think you're doing the right thing and it turns out it wasn't. I get the feeling I'm in for a lifetime of these things!