Words

I feel like I'm drowning in pictures and will never get them all posted. Because of that, I lack any post of actual significance. So here I am taking a break from the photos, which I love so much, but just breaking to actually write something more than a passing thought. So here are some insights into these last two months of motherhood...

-I love being a mom more than I thought
-I'm more tired than I thought
-I never knew how much I would need my mom
-I love this kid so much, it literally hurts my guts sometimes
-Sometimes I stay in my pajamas all day until just before Ariel gets home and I get cleaned up to pretend I've been like that all day
-There are days when nothing else gets done except napping, breastfeeding, and diaper changes
-Most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing
-I need more help than I thought I would
-It is the most overwhemling, amazing, incredible feeling in the world.

What I love about being Josiah's mom these days
-how he smiles when he looks at me
-when he touches my face while nursing
-that he knows me
-that I'm the go-to person when he's upset
-that he fusses when I come in the room after he's just woken up and sees me


-I have done all the things I said I wouldn't do:
+take the carseat into the store
+not go out because he is napping
+get home early cause he needs to nap
+let my life revolve around naps
+use a pacifier

-Sometimes I feel like a bad mom cause I don't follow what the books say, or even the law, like:
+I let Josiah sleep on my chest and sometimes I sleep too. I mean, really, sometimes we just need to do that
+I've taken him out of his carseat while the car is moving. On a freeway. And breastfed. But I wasn't driving.
+Sometimes I let him cry and walk away. Hey, after all our time together, I think we could both use a break.
+letting him nap his whole nap with the pacifier in because I know he'll stay asleep longer
+sometimes the only "tummy time" he gets in the day is when he is sleeping on it
+I left him with the sales clerk while I grabbed my purse from the car (he was in his carseat and that thing weighs too much and it was just right outside the door...always in sight)

I had to do lists because that's how my mind has become to function better. I am always checking the clock and trying to remember his last feeding/nap/diaper/burp/coo/etc. So I make lists a lot too, trying to remember things that my brain pushes out so it can instead remember these useless times, because in all reality, it doesn't matter if he ate an hour ago...I'm going to feed him again if I think that's what that cry means.

It's the best thing being a mom. I love the ups and downs and cries and smiles and coos and wiggles. There's just nothing else like it.